Wild dogs. Probably people living in the U.S. or any large cities are scoffing at this one, but it happens. Dogs don’t have to be born wild, they can be trained to be vicious killers, & are, & they can escape, & do. They can also contract rabies which will make them vicious.
Also keep in mind, it’s not just dogs. I’m from the country where opossums are a common sight. When I was living in a large city, I saw one at my garbage cans that was big enough to scare me. The city makes for easy living with few predators.
Here is an interesting article on the issue of dogs gone wild. While the author is mainly concerned about a more post-apocalyptic time period, he does cover current issues with dogs gone wild. He mentions how packs will use a cute, fluffy dog to lure humans near where the rest of the pack is waiting - then ATTACK! A personal experience he writes about is catching a dog while trapping, thinking it was the land owner’s dog & trying to free it. The dog acted all super friendly till he got within range, then turned on him, barely missing the hand he was trying to free the dog with. When he mentioned it to the owner, turned out it wasn’t his dog, but a wild one that had attacked his wife just the day before.
Here is a story about a pack of wild dogs in Washington state just this year. It reports they are “killing for fun”. And here is an article from 2009 covering the mauling deaths of an elderly couple in Georgia. This shit is scary! I knew I preferred cats for a reason.
But just in case you do have to venture outside for milk or new shoes or something, here is what you can do in the event you are attacked by wild dogs.
Know where wild dogs aren’t? The internet. Wild dogs are even less computer literate than my 87 year old grandmother. Stay home. Stay safe.
Turkey Fryers. Every Thanksgiving people are blowing up their houses and setting themselves on fire like the Human Torch, but less cool & more painful. These things are superheated turkey grease bombs. But never fear, William Shatner wants you to know he survived a fryer mishap & has lived to fry, & eat moist, delicious deep-fried turkey, again.
Here is someone’s list of the top 5 turkey fryer accident videos online. Is it just me, or do most men require an element of danger when they cook? If there isn’t a threat to life or limb, it’s just not worth it.
But seriously, if you & your home survive, it’s some damn good eatin’. I recommend ordering it from a professional & having it delivered. Why risk it?
Shit Jesus, do you see see that thing? Is it looking at me funny? Is it wearing false lashes? Is it a drag spider?
I’m not even going to tell you about the 37 different kinds of relaxation techniques I had to do to survive the google image search to find that picture. You better appreciate what I do to keep you safe.
Spiders are evil & conniving. They have eight legs to rub together while they hatch their evil plots of treachery & world domination. And everyone knows, you never, ever feed a spider after midnight. Or is that children? I get the two confused.
The bad thing about spiders is that they can & do attack you while you’re on the internet. This is why I recommend doing your internetting in a spider proof suit:
Here is a little something about me & the kind of family I grew up in.
I’m afraid of clowns. Always have been. Anything that wears that much make-up can not be trusted.
Know what my mom got for my 12th birthday party? Yep. A clown. Good going, Mom. Luckily it wasn’t a real clown, just some high school girl with a part time party job. She did not have a way with children & spent most of the party flirting with my cousin. But I did get a Cabbage Patch Kid that year, so it all evened out.
I’m also afraid of spiders, but we can talk about how much fun my mom had with that another time.
Clowns. As the image above shows, clowns are natural predators who will stalk their prey even underground. In order to safely avoid clowns, stay home on the inter…
But the good news is, not all clowns are soul sucking, child devouring monsters. The better news is the ones whose evil has been trapped inside your computer can’t hurt you. Chalk another one up for the internet.
Bears. These people just had to go camping. In the woods. They were attacked by bears. I do not wish to belittle their plight, because what happened to them was tragic & one person lost his life, but if they had stayed home, on tumblr for example, those bears probably would have just eaten some berries, shit in the woods, & called it a night.
Enemy #1: Diseases
You can’t catch a computer virus, but if you go outside among other people without the safety zone of the internet between you - BAM! You’re gonna catch something. And if you’ve ever tried out the WebMD Symptom Checker, then you know it’s probably cancer.
Life’s better on the internet. Don’t risk it.